Saturday, November 08, 2008

An Open Letter To The President Elect

Dear Barack Obama,
I hope you don't mind me writing to you about an issue which you have already acknowledged is one of the most important ones facing you in the lead-up to your inauguration in January. I refer, of course, to the selection of the promised new puppy for Sasha and Malia. I don't know which of your speechwriters came up with the line in your election night speech about making good your promise to the girls to get a puppy for the move into the White House, but they deserve a bonus (if you thought of it yourself you are in danger of being too good to be President). The promise having been made, the world is now watching to ensure that you deliver and, more importantly, just what kind of puppy you deliver. What makes the choice rather difficult is that the politically correct choice - some delightful mutt from a Rescue Centre - is ruled out because of Malia's allergy. What you need is a hypoallergenic breed, and with this choice I think I might be able to help.
You will no doubt already be familiar with the result of the poll conducted by the American Kennel Club to find the perfect breed for the new puppy, and the fact that the winner - by a narrow margin - was a poodle. But you Democrats should always be suspicious about narrow victories: just remember the last two Presidential elections and what your country and the world was landed with as an outcome of a similar margin. Therefore I am writing to ask you to give very careful consideration to the runner-up in the AKC poll - a Soft Coated Wheaten Terrier.
I believe that I can speak on this matter with a degree of expertise as I am owned by a Wheaten (the Supreme Court will probably say that legally, I own her, but what does a room full of dusty old cat lovers know about it). From my experience cohabiting with Amy, I can assure you that a Wheaten will disrupt the White House, knock over great piles of CIA briefing Reports, play tug-of-war with the ancient bell-pulls, piddle on the antique rugs, knock the Russian Ambassador to the ground in its eagerness to lick his face, and chase around the Oval Office like a loon. I am sure that you will agree this is just what is required. As a bonus, a wheaten will uplift your spirits during the darkest of crises, and love you when all the well-deserved adoration of your recent triumph has died away. With a Wheaten, what you see is what you get : a scruffy, energetic, half-crazy bundle of fur with a tongue that sees licking as a vocation. A poodle may be statesmanlike, a Schnauzer may be intelligent, but a Wheaten will be a friend. And in these troubled times I suspect you are going to need all the friends you can get.
With best wishes,
Alan Burnett
P.S. Pass this photo of Amy on to the girls, it should swing the issue.

No comments:

Post a Comment