Tuesday, June 26, 2007

Has Anyone Got A Brown Paper Bag They Can Lend Me?

I have just got back from an early visit to the shop having just bought half a dozen brown eggs. But having just re-read the instructions, I realise that I don't have the necessary brown paper bag. I have a brown manila envelope, but I fear that is not going to be as effective. So has anyone out there got a brown paper bag they can lend me? Perhaps I had better explain. You may recall that yesterday I was troubled by the misfortune that has overtaken me and my family. Yesterday was a good example. Each year my dear wife goes to a two-day course in Sheffield. Yesterday was the first day of this years' course. It was also the the day that brought the heaviest rainfall in Sheffield since records began several thousand years ago. There were floods, evacuations and helicoper rescues from the rooftops. Now you can't tell me that is just a coincidence. You left me yesterday in search of the family dog, having decided that some kind of sacrifice was required in order to assuage the gods. The problem is, I am getting old and Amy (the said family dog) can easily out-run me. She also has an uncanny ability to read my mind. The Lady wasn't for sacrificing. Abandoning that idea, I decided to see if there were any websites that offered remote sacrificing services. You know the kind of thing, choose which type of animal you want sacrificing, type in what you are trying to get (or get rid of), enter your credit card details and hey presto (as they say). The really strange thing is that no such sites currently exist. By chance - or was it a curious kind of reverse fate - I have discovered a gap in the market. If I ever get time, enthusiasm, and a few hundred chicken, I intend to plug the gap and I have purchased the URL www.burnettsacrificials.co.uk in anticipation. Virtual sacrifice services also drew a blank and in these days of increasing awareness of the sanctity of life, this was a little surprising. Ancient beliefs and spiritual practices are all the fashion and if you combine the two trends what do you have? Well what I have is www.burnettbloodlesssacrificials.co.uk (since I bought that as well). I did find a website that promised to help me solve my problems by making a wish. Perhaps I can quote from the instructions : "If you're worrying about something, why not let luck decide the best course of action? Concentrate on your problem, make a wish, click on our wheel of fortune to choose a good luck charm... and the wheel will give you a message relating to your problem. Sometimes it's good to trust to luck!" I tried it a few times but I always seemed to get a stupid little message which said "It is not necessary to have money to be happy" which is one of the most stupid statements since Craven A cigarettes ran an advertising campaign which said "Craven A .... For Your Throat's Sake". Clearly the kind of problem they had in mind was in a different league to the one I was facing. I did eventually find a link to a site which would provide me with a powerful ancient spell which would "combat the power of evil spells and bad luck". The spell in question was the "Jinx Egg Removing Spell" which goes as follows (and I quote): 1. You must purchase a brown fresh egg before noon of that day. Make sure that you start this when the moon is waning. It is very important that this egg be fresh. Place this egg in a brown bag and tie the neck of the bag with a black cloth string. Place this bag under your bed. 2. Each night before retiring to bed, you must open this bag and take the egg out and rub it all over your body. When done, put the egg back into the bag, take a deep breath and blow three times into the bag. When you are blowing into the bag, you must imagine that all the bad luck is leaving your body, via your breath. When done, place the bag back under your bed. Do this for nine days. At the end of nine days, take the bag with the egg and dispose of it outside your home. 3. Note: Each time that you blow into the bag, you must immediately tie it back up. If by the end of seven days you notice that your bag is moving on it's own. Stop, and dispose of the bag immediately. DO NOT LOOK INTO THE BAG. Make sure that the bag is secure. We are not responsible for any misuse, or actions that may results from the use of this powerful spell. Do not play with this. So far, I have checked in my diary and - as far as I can tell - the moon seems to be waning. I have nipped down to ASDA and bought half a dozen free-range eggs. But now I need the necessary brown bag. As you have probably realised by now, I need help.

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